I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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