Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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