I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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