I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
