1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
