you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
