Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
