I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
