I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
