hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
