party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Why did my mother make you get naked?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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