I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
