I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
