My room smells like vodka and shame
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
