DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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