please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
