I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize