just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
