i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
