I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
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