and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
