his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize