jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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