I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
