she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
