Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
