Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
