I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
