when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize