I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize