my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
