Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
