The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
