last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
