after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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