when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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