so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
