I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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