he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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