I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
