I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
