Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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