why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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