i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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