I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
