If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
