She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
