I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
