Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize