3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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