Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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