It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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