If that was your dad, he is hot
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
