Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
