don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
