What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
