if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
