I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
