K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
