I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
