so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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