Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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