My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize