i already hear my dad disowning me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
