and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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