My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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