I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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