i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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