Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
